A Supportive Community – A community of friends and acquaintances (online and irl) who are knowledgeable, have lived experience, and a spinning Rolodex (aka contacts). This is how I found solid professional expertise and guidance.

Sleep GOOD: Sleep study and CPAP machine – We are mammals, which means that if we aren’t eating, eliminating, breathing, and sleeping properly, we are f’d. 25% of those diagnosed with ADHD have sleep apnea. It’s profoundly important. Dana (my high school friend who is now my brother’s life partner), a respiratory therapist guided us through the sleep study process, referred us to a sound sleep doc, and tutored Cal on the machine. One of the reasons he is 100% compliant is because of her due diligence. Reach out to your smart friends and family. The good ones are willing to help and give what they can.

Got Therapy: We have two therapists: one family therapist (ongoing) and one who specializes in EMDR. I could write sonnets about the changes in our family dynamics because of these two therapists. When we sought help for Cal, Dave and I also attended couples therapy and parenting classes to get on the same page. We don’t always get it right, but we now have the tools and language to reset.

Given that Dave works with some hardcore Trumpers and the culture he grew up in, he doesn’t often get external validation; in fact, he faces criticism especially for seeking help. Instead of letting that bring him down, he keeps on keeping on by cooking dinner, doing dishes, or fixing things around the house, even when he’s had a tough day. Good parenting is mostly modeling, and he is a Super Model.

Reading Success at Sylvan Learning – His old school primarily used Balance Reading  that cognitive scientists have repeatedly debunked. Much research was done to determine that the Science of Reading, an evidence-based approach to teaching reading that draws on research from multiple disciplines, including education, psychology, and neuroscience, is the way to teach of reading, add to it tutoring and Cal’s reading ability took off. We are head over 👠 s with our group in Lancaster. Highly recommend Dr. V and Serena who run this one. Cal is reading at grade level. Halleluiah!

A Good School – A school that isn’t profiting from defunding its Special Education department by taking the allocated funds, failing to provide students with their lawful special education services, and then using the money for other purposes.  The staff at Cal’s new school are trained to care for the children in their building. They aren’t calling parents regularly to fix problems happening 7 miles away and then not allowing them in the building. I have a lot to say about this… On the advice of counsel, I won’t, but let’s just say – I needed counsel to get my child where he can be adequately cared for and educated, and that’s messed up.

Outside Activities – Buffalo United soccer, sail camp, and now flag football. Dave Ferguson’s dedication to plugging away at this has been paying off. Cal is an all-star.

Perspective –  In June, Cal and I took a trip to Seattle. Mother Goose (an Annie-style expletive), I needed that so much because of perspective. I needed Cal and me to see that we have a world of people outside our immediate struggles, for me to reconnect with people who know me as someone other than Sam and Cal’s mom, and for Cal to see that the world is more extensive and kinder than his last hard time. Sally Sefton came to visit as well! We swam in visions of Hawaii and yummy HA gummies. My friends are generous, wonderful, and well; now I am crying because I miss them.

Medication that Works – The ADHD summer camp was a bust. It was NIH-funded, and we shouldn’t have been allowed to adjust the kids’ medication week to week just to meet funding requirements. Children shouldn’t be used as guinea pigs, so an organization can run a summer camp. That said, the medication they eventually prescribed—a variation of Ritalin—has turned out to be very effective for us.

Before ADHD, I never imagined giving my child medication. Once, when I voiced this stance, my mom’s friend Karen, a therapist, asked me, “What if it could make a difference in his life?” That question stayed with me through the diagnosis, therapy, and beyond until I saw firsthand the positive impact it had.

Whatever stance you enter parenting with, your children will challenge it. Focus on what the child in front of you needs, and avoid holding onto beliefs from your past that might not serve them well.

Family! We are in their debt – literally. Their generosity has exceeded expectations, especially my parents, Trudy Cusella and Michael Quale. I won’t even get into the tearful phone calls to my brother Scott Quale.

Our Poodle Wonder Baby – I tell my boys that if they want to change minds and influence people, they should learn how to write persuasively. Cal asked his second-grade teacher, Mr. M, to help him craft a letter to convince me to get a dog. I don’t like dogs. I never wanted a dog, but that letter? Good Grief! We have a dog, a standard poodle named Wonder. Before the CPAP machine, she helped him not be so terrified by the nightmares caused by the sleep apnea. He learned how to train her, and training her taught him to self-regulate. Wonder is a nonjudgmental companion, and she listens to him. As for me…I still don’t understand her, and I roll my eyes and think, “Blast you, Mr. M” when she counter surfs.